January 4, 2015

Eight crew members are missing after a cargo ship hauling a load of cement capsized off the coast of Scotland. All that remains is the sixteen indentations where they stuck their butt cheeks.

A photo of prominent Conservative Sarah Palin’s six-year old son stepping on his dog to reach the kitchen sink has animal activists up in arms. After all, if he’s allowed to step on a dog now, what’s next? The rights of workers? Equitable social policies? Giraffes? Think how dangerous that would be.

Giraffes have responded that they were made for six-year-olds to stand on. That’s why the shelves at Toys-R-Us go up so high.

And speaking of African wildlife, hybrid gazelle person Gwyneth Paltrow has opened up about her recent divorce from musician Chris Martin, saying that she felt she had “hit a wall” in their relationship and was therefore too vulnerable to predators.

My new year’s resolution is to stay optimistic. I can’t escape the nagging feeling I’m going to fail.

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