July 28, 2014

President Obama and the UN have called for an unconditional cease fire between Israel and Hamas on the Gaza Strip. Israel will agree, but only if Gaza never gets fat and lets it in the backdoor on occasion.


Liberia has closed its border in an effort to defend against the West African Ebola Outbreak. Credit for this decision goes to Liberia’s new crisis manager Scar the Lion who got everyone behind the idea with a rousing musical number trumpeting the importance of preventative health policy.

Of course, quid pro quo, Liberia’s expected to assassinate Mufasa–as is stipulated in Scar’s standard contract. Liberian poachers respond: “We probably already did that.”


A beach in Southern California was struck by lightning. The unexpected blast killed one, injured nine, and stole the plot to my 1990’s spec script, “Baywatch: You Can’t Save ’em All.”



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