President Obama has nominated Sylvia Burwell to become the next Secretary of Health and Human Services. Republicans are expected to use her confirmation hearings to raise further objections to the health of other humans.
A woman threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton yesterday. Hillary dodged it and proceeded to mock the woman’s terrible athletic skills. The woman then vowed to construct a time machine, allowing her to go back and gain her vengeance. She succeeded in building the machine, but unfortunately a lifetime spent in scientific research left little room for athletic training. When it came time to throw the shoe again, the results repeated themselves. She is now stuck in a loop, forever wiffing at an impossible target, haunted by the taunting laugh of a surprisingly nimble 67 year old woman who she decided to throw a shoe at for some stupid reason.