August 14, 2017

Three are dead after being shot at “Larry’s Fun Fest,” an auto event in southeastern Wisconsin. More stunningly, three have survived after attending “Garry’s Gun Fest,” a killing spree in Garry’s backyard.

Gun massacres are now as commonplace in America as bake sales. Both are likely to contribute funds to churchyards. Only one is likely to have those cookies I like – which angers me beyond all rationality.

A teenager swimming in South Carolina was bitten by a shark, but the fish swam away after only one bite.  Marine scientists have concluded that the teenager did not taste like Pringles.

Big Ben, the bell of the Elizabeth Clock Tower in London, will stop chiming next week and will stay silent for the next four years as a part of an ongoing preservation project. When asked for their thoughts, the Clock Tower quipped that maybe he had finally learned his lesson, while Ben grumbled and flipped the newspaper.

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