August 7, 2017

North Korea has threatened to exact a “thousand fold” revenge upon the United States over American drafted United Nations sanctions that ban North Korean exports of coal as well as impose additional economic hurdles such as refusing to honor the Great Leader’s patent on oxygen.

The “thousand fold” revenge is expected to arrive via a crack squad of eight-year old contortionists trained from their births in the year of the bull – shitting endlessly into their own mouths.

While North Korea’s threat – as all of their many, many past threats – may feel flamboyant and toothless, it is, of course, backed up by a large military and possible nuclear armament so it’s a real reason to be concerned. We can joke, but we should always remember there’s a serious element: like MASH, not The Interview. Please God, may there never be another The Interview.

The NFL has relaxed restrictions on celebrations after big plays but it will still penalize players for any pantomimes of violence or weaponry. Peaceful political protests will continue to result in unemployment.

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