March 26, 2014

March 26, 2014 admin 0

Three Secret Service agents have been sent home for drunkenness from their Senior class trip to the Hague. The incident is reminiscent of events in Read More

March 24, 2014

March 24, 2014 admin 0

Obama is attending a summit at the Hague, Netherlands, a city known as the International City of Peace, Justice, and Johan’s Half-Priced, All-Cheese Breakfast Special. Read More

March 21, 2014

March 21, 2014 admin 0

After two weeks, trace of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370 has yet to be found. Floating debris might have been spotted by satellite some days ago, Read More

March 19, 2014

March 19, 2014 admin 0

Russia is moving forward with plans to annex Crimea, despite the West’s threat to force Kanye West to move there. According to a recent analysis, Read More

March 10, 2014

March 10, 2014 admin 0

Sbarro pizza chain has filed for bankruptcy and plans to close 155 locations. Heat lamps will stay on until someone orders the last slice of Read More

March 5, 2014

March 5, 2014 admin 0

The EU has promised over $15 billion in grants and loans to the Ukrainian economy: only $30 billion shy of the amount lonely strangers have Read More

February 26, 2014

February 26, 2014 admin 0

President Obama needs $300 billion to save the nation’s transportation infrastructure. Solution: throw the biggest rager this campus has ever seen! (unless people can’t get Read More

February 24, 2014

February 24, 2014 admin 0

U.S.A. warns Russia not to intervene in Ukraine. Russia fires back that they weren’t anyway, and if they don’t it’s not because U.S.A said so. Read More

February 22, 2014

February 22, 2014 admin 0

Canada has defeated the US hockey team on Olympic ice. Our Zombonis will glide at half-speed today in memoriam of our national pride. Speaking of Read More

February 19, 2014

February 19, 2014 admin 0

Anti-government protestors in Ukraine ignited a fiery barricade to combat riot police. Results were mixed as tear gas made the s’mores taste funky. While his Read More

February 18, 2014

February 18, 2014 admin 0

The Congressional Budget Office predicts raising the minimum wage will bring 900,000 people out of poverty while conversely putting 500,000 out of work; it further Read More

February 12, 2014

February 12, 2014 admin 0

A powerful Ice Storm has knocked out power to swaths of the Southeast and is heading North in search of higher teacher salaries. Boston Marathon Read More

February 11, 2014

February 11, 2014 admin 0

Competitors have voiced concerns over the condition of the Sochi snowboarding halfpipe. Some theorists fear the accelerated collision of upper middle-class privilege and annoying skater Read More

February 10, 2014

February 10, 2014 admin 0

President Obama goes to Monticello with French leader Francois Hollande. Half the day will be spent in diplomatic talks, half searching for secret passages. NASA’s Read More

February 9, 2014

February 9, 2014 admin 0

Humanitarian workers have resumed aid to the Syrian city of Homs after being attacked with mortar fire earlier this weekend. Maybe this time they won’t Read More

February 8, 2014

February 8, 2014 admin 0

A man was tackled yesterday for touching the White House fence in an inappropriate manner. Authorities were going to prosecute, until they found out the Read More

February 6, 2014

February 6, 2014 admin 0

Olympic competition began today in Russia. It is expected to last for three years and claim two million lives. Vladimir Putin is eager to see Read More

February 3rd, 2014

February 3, 2014 admin 0

The Seahawks annihilated the Broncos in Superbowl XLVIII. So much so that Denver is now a colony of Seattle. Soon affluent left-wing urbanites will hit Read More

February 1, 2014

February 1, 2014 admin 0

A former aide and high school classmate of Governor Chris Christie has intimated Christie knew of the George Washington Bridge lane closures earlier than he Read More

January 31, 2014

January 31, 2014 admin 0

The Italian justice system has affirmed the guilt of a 26 year old Seattle woman for the murder of her British roommate abroad after first Read More

January 29, 2014

January 29, 2014 admin 0

Hundreds of students in Georgia and Alabama have been stranded at school overnight due to severe weather. The states’ Republican governors are looking into cutting Read More

January 28, 2014

January 28, 2014 admin 0

The President is expected to defend his healthcare reform tonight; he is also expected to wear pants. The entire United States congress will attend the Read More

F is for Fiver

January 27, 2014 admin 0

 I didn’t make this but I was lucky enough to see it on the internet. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

G is for Gouda

January 7, 2014 admin 0

The oven was ruined, the yellow oozed from all sides.  The Schraeder brothers stood motionless as their eyes surveyed the destruction. “It could have been Read More

On Dining Alone

January 2, 2014 admin 0

Loneliness goes best with breakfast, bad with lunch, and terrible with cannibalism.

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