November 6, 2017

November 6, 2017 admin 0

The Supreme Court ruled today that a death row inmate who has forgotten his crime due to strokes and dementia can still be executed. They Read More

September 26, 2017

September 26, 2017 admin 0

U.S. Pacific Fleet Commander Scott Swift has announced his intention to retire, having lost both his submarine and his destroyer within the first five turns. Read More

September 18, 2017

September 18, 2017 admin 0

The 69th annual Emmy Awards Ceremony took place last night. [Insert compulsory joke about Hollywood sucking its own dick in the 69.] Award for best Read More

September 1, 2017

September 1, 2017 admin 0

The internet notifies me that on this day in 1902, Georges Melies’ classic film A Trip to the Moon was released. Every article about the legendary Read More

August 28, 2017

August 28, 2017 admin 0

Bengals’ linebacker Vontaze Burfict has received a five game suspension after attacking an unsuspecting opponent. In Vontaze’s defense the fullback was refusing to reveal the Read More

August 22, 2017

August 22, 2017 admin 0

Legendary comedian Jerry Lewis died earlier this week at age 91. His afterlife will consist of pit falling from Heaven into Hell, then rocketing back Read More

August 18, 2017

August 18, 2017 admin 0

Tony Schwartz, the co-author of historical footnote current president Donald Trump’s memoir The Art of the Deal predicts that Trump will resign shortly. Trump will, Read More

August 14, 2017

August 14, 2017 admin 0

Three are dead after being shot at “Larry’s Fun Fest,” an auto event in southeastern Wisconsin. More stunningly, three have survived after attending “Garry’s Gun Read More

August 9, 2017

August 10, 2017 admin 0

It was revealed today that the Koch brothers, the evil billionaires from Eddie Murphy’s Trading Places from real life are secret investors in several Warner Read More

August 7, 2017

August 7, 2017 admin 0

North Korea has threatened to exact a “thousand fold” revenge upon the United States over American drafted United Nations sanctions that ban North Korean exports Read More

August 4, 2017

August 4, 2017 admin 0

The Secret Service has left Trump Tower due to leasing difficulties. Presumably, the government agency demanded too many special adjustments for the price point. Rationality Read More

August 1, 2017

August 1, 2017 admin 0

Rapid permafrost collapse in Siberia is creating massive craters overnight. Scientists believe it to be yet another consequence of human accelerated global warming. Although clearly, Read More

July 31, 2017

July 31, 2017 admin 0

Ivanka Trump wants to lower expectations of how much pull she has in her father’s administration, according to a source familiar with her thinking: a Read More

July 28, 2017

July 28, 2017 admin 0

Leonard Landy from the cast of Our Gang has passed away. Per the tontine, Robert Blake comes one step closer to the Eye of Spanky. Read More

July 27, 2017

July 27, 2017 admin 0

Justin Beiber accidentally hit a paparazzi with his car. By all reports, he then behaved disappointingly appropriately. A fisherman’s boat was attacked by an Orca Read More

July 25, 2017

July 25, 2017 admin 0

President Trump has issued several tweets attempting to shift focus from his campaign’s highly-possible illicit dealings with Russia on to Hillary Clinton’s first-time-anyone-has-ever-heard-of-it dealings with Read More

January 4, 2015

January 4, 2015 admin 0

Eight crew members are missing after a cargo ship hauling a load of cement capsized off the coast of Scotland. All that remains is the Read More

January 1, 2015

January 1, 2015 admin 0

North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un has claimed that he’s open to high level talks between himself and the leaders of South Korea provided “proper Read More

December 27, 2014

December 27, 2014 admin 0

The Grecian parliament, having twice failed to attain the necessary majority to elect a new president, must do so on a third attempt or the Read More

December 23, 2014

December 23, 2014 admin 0

The leader of Belarus has completed an economic alliance with Kazakhstan, Armenia, Russia, and Kyrgyzstan. The leader of Belarus deserves all credit. All hail Belarus! Read More

December 20, 2014

December 20, 2014 admin 0

President Obama has announced the United States will normalize relations with Cuba. No more back door action. Many in Florida are angry. However, with the Read More

July 28, 2014

July 28, 2014 admin 0

President Obama and the UN have called for an unconditional cease fire between Israel and Hamas on the Gaza Strip. Israel will agree, but only Read More

May 19, 2014

May 19, 2014 admin 0

Nearly a hundred people worldwide have been arrested for the use of malicious software known as Black Shades Remote Access Tool. Black Shades RAT is Read More

May 16, 2014

May 16, 2014 admin 0

Two California teens have been arrested on suspicion of arson during a time their area is being plagued by vicious wildfires. In a statement from Read More

May 12, 2014

May 12, 2014 admin 0

Astronomers have discovered a star they believe originated from the same gas cloud that birthed our sun. Thus, some are terming it a “solar sibling,” Read More

May 9, 2014

May 9, 2014 admin 0

In a split from party politics, Mitt Romney is supporting the raising of the minimum wage from what he assumes is something like seven thousand Read More

May 6, 2014

May 6, 2014 admin 0

The latest issue of Vanity Fair features an article by Monica Lewinsky, best known for graduating from the London School of Economics. The piece is Read More

April 16, 2014

April 16, 2014 admin 0

All units were sold out in Google’s one-day sale of Google Glass. For those who failed to obtain the trendy eye wear, Google will soon Read More

April 15, 2014

April 15, 2014 admin 0

A total lunar eclipse occurred this morning transforming the moon into a giant red dot. Werewolves howled. Werecats leapt at it, but soon found it Read More

April 11, 2014

April 11, 2014 admin 0

President Obama has nominated Sylvia Burwell to become the next Secretary of Health and Human Services. Republicans are expected to use her confirmation hearings to Read More

April 9, 2014

April 9, 2014 admin 0

Microsoft has ceased providing support for Windows XP. XP limit has been reached. A high school student in Pennsylvania went on a stabbing rampage this Read More

April 7, 2014

April 7, 2014 admin 0

A survey led by Ivy League political scientists suggests that only 1 out of 6 Americans knows where the Ukraine is. A related study suggests Read More

April 2, 2014

April 2, 2014 admin 0

A million evacuated Chileans returned home today as tsunami warnings issued following a earthquake last night were finally lifted. Several dolphins wearing people clothes returned Read More

March 26, 2014

March 26, 2014 admin 0

Three Secret Service agents have been sent home for drunkenness from their Senior class trip to the Hague. The incident is reminiscent of events in Read More

March 24, 2014

March 24, 2014 admin 0

Obama is attending a summit at the Hague, Netherlands, a city known as the International City of Peace, Justice, and Johan’s Half-Priced, All-Cheese Breakfast Special. Read More

March 21, 2014

March 21, 2014 admin 0

After two weeks, trace of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370 has yet to be found. Floating debris might have been spotted by satellite some days ago, Read More

March 19, 2014

March 19, 2014 admin 0

Russia is moving forward with plans to annex Crimea, despite the West’s threat to force Kanye West to move there. According to a recent analysis, Read More

March 10, 2014

March 10, 2014 admin 0

Sbarro pizza chain has filed for bankruptcy and plans to close 155 locations. Heat lamps will stay on until someone orders the last slice of Read More

March 5, 2014

March 5, 2014 admin 0

The EU has promised over $15 billion in grants and loans to the Ukrainian economy: only $30 billion shy of the amount lonely strangers have Read More

February 26, 2014

February 26, 2014 admin 0

President Obama needs $300 billion to save the nation’s transportation infrastructure. Solution: throw the biggest rager this campus has ever seen! (unless people can’t get Read More

February 24, 2014

February 24, 2014 admin 0

U.S.A. warns Russia not to intervene in Ukraine. Russia fires back that they weren’t anyway, and if they don’t it’s not because U.S.A said so. Read More

February 22, 2014

February 22, 2014 admin 0

Canada has defeated the US hockey team on Olympic ice. Our Zombonis will glide at half-speed today in memoriam of our national pride. Speaking of Read More

February 19, 2014

February 19, 2014 admin 0

Anti-government protestors in Ukraine ignited a fiery barricade to combat riot police. Results were mixed as tear gas made the s’mores taste funky. While his Read More

February 18, 2014

February 18, 2014 admin 0

The Congressional Budget Office predicts raising the minimum wage will bring 900,000 people out of poverty while conversely putting 500,000 out of work; it further Read More

February 12, 2014

February 12, 2014 admin 0

A powerful Ice Storm has knocked out power to swaths of the Southeast and is heading North in search of higher teacher salaries. Boston Marathon Read More

February 11, 2014

February 11, 2014 admin 0

Competitors have voiced concerns over the condition of the Sochi snowboarding halfpipe. Some theorists fear the accelerated collision of upper middle-class privilege and annoying skater Read More

February 10, 2014

February 10, 2014 admin 0

President Obama goes to Monticello with French leader Francois Hollande. Half the day will be spent in diplomatic talks, half searching for secret passages. NASA’s Read More

February 9, 2014

February 9, 2014 admin 0

Humanitarian workers have resumed aid to the Syrian city of Homs after being attacked with mortar fire earlier this weekend. Maybe this time they won’t Read More

February 8, 2014

February 8, 2014 admin 0

A man was tackled yesterday for touching the White House fence in an inappropriate manner. Authorities were going to prosecute, until they found out the Read More

February 6, 2014

February 6, 2014 admin 0

Olympic competition began today in Russia. It is expected to last for three years and claim two million lives. Vladimir Putin is eager to see Read More

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